Neutron’s machine is finally out the door. So am I.
My immediate supervisor was immediately laid off about week before
I was given notice. In other words, as a contractor, I was treated better
than the full-time employee, who happened to be in the midst of buying
a house.
At my farewell lunch, the shop talk confirmed the reason for my
departure. The office has to cut costs to stay within a fixed budget
for the year. In standard business practice, this means axing personnel.
I’d long suspected the Austin office is operating at a loss for tax deductions.
Then I raffled off a sealed Ant Farm that I obtained at last year’s
Christmas party. I used it as an object d’art in my cube. The cute Japanese
gal I flirted with in the office had complained I left my cube undecorated
and impersonal. It meant less work when I left. I told her I didn’t
think our co-workers would approve of, my cube decorated in, say, Vienna
Secession style.1
At lunch, I sought an opportunity to ask her out. It was a long shot,
but she’s one of the two chicest women in Austin, we had a good rapport
and she laughed at my jokes. However, we never had a moment alone at lunch.
That made an overture impossible without risking a loss of face.
Travelin’ Light
Nonetheless, my departure opened up my schedule for some medical
and travel obligations.
The weekend before the end, I attended the Ron Paul Texas BBQ
Bash in Texas City.2 I introduced a couple of friends
to each other while we snarfed barbecue. My first time attending the annual
event was mostly an excuse to get together with Chris Loyd in Houston. Ironically,
the event was at the municipally run Charles T. Doyle Convention Center,
its air conditioning already leaking in the lobby. Also in attendance:
Pat Dixon, Don Zimmerman, Mises Institute President Lew Rockwell, and
radio provocateur Scott Horton.3
In mid-September, I visited the West Coast for my parents’ 40th
wedding anniversary at my sister’s family’s house. In exchange for lodging
and transportation, I helped Sis and her husband as they prepared for
the occasion in a “hot snit,” including making even sauces and dips from
scratch. The help mostly meant keeping a third pair of eyes on my nephew
Nicholas, age 16 months, and my niece, Natalie, age 5 going on 13, according
to her alternately bemused and exasperated parents.4
To my pleasant surprise, Mom forgot to invoke the what-are-you-doing-with-your-life,
why-are-you-still-struggling-broke-and-single-at-your-age harangue
that marred the folks’ visit last year. She
means well, but after a while such fretting comments become white noise,
even from one’s parents. Dating nowadays is more difficult than
it ought to be, and her last experience with the dating scene was back
in the ‘60s.5
Even the flights were only mildly annoying, despite my sweating
like a Greek peasant aboard two of Forbes’ 10-worst rated airlines.6
That, and being hit on in the airport men’s room by U.S. senators.7
I had to find cheap, quick flights with mutually reasonable arrival/department
times. All round-trip flights could only meet two of three criteria.
Also, the trip conveniently took me out of town during the Austin
City Limits Music Festival.8
Meanwhile, Back at the Ranch …
Several days after I returned, I went to a medical office in the
U district for preventive dental surgery. After all these years, my
regular dentist finally gave me a good reason to have my wisdom teeth
removed. I interpreted his previous vague recommendations as an attempt
to recoup the cost of new equipment purchases.
“If I agreed to do it, it’d have to be cheap, quick and painless,”
I said.
The dentist paused. “In that case, you’ll want to call—.” He named
a medical research lab, which shall remain nameless, since I signed
a confidentiality agreement.
The dental surgeon used 2 percent lidocaine. Thus, I felt no physical
pain, even though the staff jabbed needles in the back of my gums and
sheared off the crowns of my teeth with a drill, drenching my mouth in
blood before vacuuming out the roots. Still, it was better than the dental
surgery performed on me in the ‘80s to separate my adult upper incisors
from the maxilla and anchor them in place. During that surgery, the dentist
chipped the back enamel on one incisor that resulted in a cavity that had
to be filled six years later. I would’ve sued, but Mom and Dad settled for
a steep discount on the repair job.
The radio in the operating room was tuned to some easy listening
station – when I could hear over the sound of the drill. That’s OK. I
wouldn’t want to associate great music with torment.9
Afterward, with my tongue and teeth numb, I could still think and
speak clearly, albeit out the side of my mouth, read a couple of books,
and even crack jokes. (Sis and I have talked about this: Apparently, we had
an unusual upbringing in that our parents taught us that making jokes was
a normal part of life, rather than something only professionals did.)
Eventually, the research lab staff had me remove the bloody gauze
from my mouth, so I had to stop with the Brando impersonations.10
When the anesthesia finally wore off, my pain was too mild to stay in
the study of a post-surgery antipain medication the research lab was testing
for a big pharmaceutical company. I cabbed home and spent the next week
eating soft foods and avoiding strenuous activity.
In the neighborhood, the Oakville Grocery finally opened at The Domain,
vastly behind schedule. The food is good, but the place is more of a glorified
deli/convenience store with a few weird, overpriced vegetables, and candy
bars at $5 apiece. Nearby, Jasper’s is getting consistently bad reviews
on Chowhound.com.11
Crossroads Community Church has begun holding Sunday services at
River Oaks Elementary School as of Sep. 9. The real interest is when the
local ACLU or some random atheist squawks
about this arrangement.
Austin Death Watch
Environmentalists are complaining a planned development at the north
end of the Austin rail line boondoggle is “too pedestrian-friendly.”12
City Hall is opening its coffers to cultural groups. Look for
the creativity to go into grant proposals.13
At the county level, the commissioners approved a new tax hike, the
second in three years.14 Homosexual Glenn Maxey, a former legislator,
is vying to become the next county tax collector, where he’ll be perfectly
positioned to ass-rape local residents.15
Speaking of rape, a thousand people turned up at BookPeople on Sep.
14 to see Bill Clinton tout his new book, “Gimme: How Each of You Can
Improve My World.” In other words, there’s a sucker born every minute.16
Unfortunately, these suckers also influence public policy in Travis County.
Al Gore, however, gave his global warming routine to a less-than-full
crowd.17
I Said, “Heel, Damn It!”
The New York Times sent me an unsolicited subscription form. Instead,
I printed an outside article detailing reporter Judith Miller’s propaganda
on behalf of the Bush administration, to promote the pre-invasion fiction
that Iraq had biochemical or nuclear weapons.18 Then
I mailed the article, instead of a check, inside the postage-free return
envelope.
It’s a tactic I’ve been thinking about for a while. And not just
on really easy targets like the Times.19 Other organizations
deserve such backhanded replies. Think of it as a cost-free experiment to
see how responsive they are to having their financial lifeblood cut off
when they make bad choices. After all, ideas have consequences.20
Obviously, you don’t have to hold the same political views as me
to apply this tactic. It should be interesting to see what happens, especially
if enough people do it. At least it should cut down on the junk mail we
receive. On the other hand, it’ll also mean I have less to snark about
for Austin Dispatches.21
Cultural Canapés
Comedian Steven Wright has released a new album. Wright’s shtick
is Borscht Belt-style one-liners in a slow, deadpan manner.22
Imagine him delivering the same jokes at the speed of a Henny Youngman.
Then image Youngman telling his jokes a la Wright.23
Chronicle Editor Louis Black clucks about fictional accounts of
male masturbation as a persistent subgenre of Short Story Contest submissions.
Black attributes this subgenre to stunted imaginations. Maybe the authors
figured the Chronicle staff is a bunch of jerkoffs – metaphorically speaking
– so why not give them something they can relate to? What these authors
don’t understand is that the Chronicle only publishes fiction that’s about
mental masturbation – something broader than a subgenre in literature
(“Bridges of Madison County” comes immediately to mind).24
The September issue of Brilliant magazine includes an ad for downtown
condominiums touted as “New York chic – San Antonio style.” What’s that?
Color-coordinated spray-paint graffiti? Grilled rat in queso-chipotle
sauce?25
NOTES 1 Vergo, Peter. Art in Vienna 1898-1918: Klimt, Kokoschka,
Schiele and their Contemporaries. London: Phaidon, 1975. 2 Mittelstadt, Michelle. “Paul Drawing Backers Alienated From
Parties.” HC 26 Aug. 2007: 1+. 3 AD No. 73 (Nov. 8, 2004); AD No. 89n31 (Mar. 29, 2006);
AD No. 98n15 (June 11, 2007) 4 AD No. 37 (Apr. 25, 2002); AD No. 59 (Dec. 2, 2003); AD No.
92 (Sep. 27, 2006). 5 AD No. 22 (Nov. 16, 2000); AD No. 46 (Feb. 10, 2003); AD
No. 48 (Mar. 10, 2003); AD No. 53 (July 30, 2003); EAD No. 5 (June 5, 1999). 6 Van Riper, Tom, and Robert Malone. “America’s Worst Airlines.”
27 Sep. 2007 Forbes.com < http://www.forbes.com/2007/09/26/airlines-performance-faa-biz-logistics-cx_rm_tvr_0927worstairlines.html>. 7 Dalrymple, Therodore [Anthony Daniels]. “Caught With His…”
NR 24 Sep. 2007: 32-34. 8 Lindner, Sarah. “Bring Your Camera, but Leave the Dog at
Home.” XL 13 Sep. 2007: 19. 9 A Clockwork Orange. Dir. Stanley Kubrick. Hawk Films
Ltd./Polaris Productions/Stanley Kubrick Productions/Warner Bros. Pictures,
1971. 10 The Godfather. Paramount Pictures, 1972. 11 “gntlmn6464.” “Jasper’s … Go Quick Cause It Won’t Be There
Long.” 4 Oct. 2007 Chowhound.com <http://www.chowhound.com/topics/447591>. 12 Kwon, Jean. “Too Pedestrian-Friendly?” ABJ 7 Sep. 2007:
1+. 13 Cabanero, David. “Cultural Groups May Get Boost From Austin.”
DT 20 Sep. 2007: 7A. 14 Ruland, Patricia J. “County Workers Approved for More Pay.”
AC 14 Sep. 2007: 22; Toohey, Martin. “Travis OKs Higher Tax to Raise Pay,
Add Workers.” AAS 26 Sep. 2007: B1+. 15 Nichols, Lee. “Who Knew a Tax Collector’s Race Could Be
This Much Fun?” AC 5 Oct. 2007: 24-25. 16 AD No. 100n29 (Sep. 3, 2007); Kaldis, Megan. “Clinton
Draws a Crowd at Friday Book Signing.” DT 17 Sep. 2007: 1A. 17 DeBard, Amanda. “Al Gore Brings Film to Campus.” DT 2 Oct.
2007: 1-2A; Harlin, Claire, and Leah Finnegan. “In It for the Green.” DT
2 Oct. 2007: 4A. 18 Hiro, Dilip. Secrets and Lies: Operation Iraqi Freedom
and the Collapse of American Power. New York City: Nation Books, 2004:
122; Sammon, Bill. Strategery: How George W. Bush Is Defeating Terrorists,
Outwitting Democrats, and Confounding the Mainstream Media. Washington,
D.C.: Regnery Publishing, 2006: 304; Shawcross, William. Allies: The
U.S., Britain, and Europe in the Aftermath of the Iraq War. New York
City: PublicAffairs, 2004: 235; Wilson, Joseph C. IV. The Politics of
Truth: Inside the Lies That Led to War and Betrayed My Wife's CIA Identity:
A Diplomat's Memoir. New York City: Carroll & Graf Publishers, 2004:
xxiv. 19 Nocera, Joseph. "Family Plot." GQ June 1994: 71+. 20 Weaver, Richard M. Ideas Have Consequences. Chicago:
U of Chicago P, 1948. 21 Kinsley, Michael. “The Check Is in the Mail.” Time
9 Apr. 1990: 98. 22 Ridewood, J. “One-Liner Comedian Returns to Original
Stand-Up Beginnings.” DT 20 Sep. 2007: 6B. 23 Youngman, Henny. Take My Wife, Please!: Henny Youngman’s
Giant Book of Jokes. 1974. Rpt. Secaucus, N.J.: Carol Publishing Group,
1998. 24 Black, Louis. “Knocked Out, Loaded.” AC 28 Sep. 2007: 6+;
Waller, Robert James. The Bridges of Madison County. New York City:
Warner Books, 1992. 25 Phyllis Browning Co. Advertisement. Brilliant Sep.
2007: 89.