| "Slowly I turn, step by step, inch by inch." |
| Austin Dispatches | No. 54 | Aug. 22, 2003 |
The same dimmed quality could be said of the local job market. Instead of serving mental lemonade, Austin’s still sunk in funk. Yet local jobs are finally being listed, so things aren't as funky as they might otherwise be. It's about funking time.4
But that’s still not enough. The jobs aren’t being listed frequently enough, and the offers aren’t coming in fast enough, for my speed. This situation hampers my ability to live life with an exclamation point, as my dearest friend said. (One who’s still around, as too many of my other friends keep leaving town.) I need wealth while I’m still young enough to enjoy it. I’ve got a lot of living to do.5
F’rinstence, I got a tip on an opening at Brazen Software.6 With a name like that, I didn’t even send a resume. I just suited up, sauntered into the office and told the employees, “All right youse mugs, I’m takin’ over dis joint, see?”
How could I miss? My fellow scribes, specifically Jill Oleson, Camille Johnson, and Betsy Thaggard, bitched and moaned so much about the $25-30/hour wage Brazen was offering that Brazen probably soured on all local tech writers. I didn’t say shit, would’ve been happy to work for that amount, in fact, but Brazen still likely outsourced the work to some cheap, docile curry munchers who’ll be vaporized in a thermonuclear exchange with the Pakistanis soon.7 (But not soon enough.) Talk about a missed ship date for the software.
An ugly attitude, you say? Not as ugly as scrambling to stay alive, like some animal in a trap, facing the options of bleeding to death or having to chew off its leg to escape. If life gets any uglier, it could make "Bad Lieutenant"8 seem like a Disney flick.9
So I’m frequently out during the evenings to shark and snark my way through this half-horse town. Characteristically, that’s how I missed a “weak tornado” that shredded trees and carports at my complex the night of Aug. 11. It also burned the roof of the Broadmoor Apartments, damaged other complexes along Metric Boulevard, and knocked out power.10 Call it stormy Monday.11
I had to find out much of this from the next day’s paper, because I was schmoozing some people at a bar and grill off Highway 183 for job leads, and maybe a cheap place to stay in Phoenix, at the time the tornado hit.
Later in the week, I attended Nordstrom’s grand opening at Barton Creek Square. I was skeptical of its success in Austin, where the flip-flop is a basic fashion staple. Austin City Manager Toby Futrell breathlessly told the Statesman she’s already applied for a charge card.12 But then, she is a dame. As usual with these places, the men’s section is shoved in the darkest, smallest corner. I didn’t see much that appealed to me, except for silk dress shirts for only … $85? I never paid more than $20. Miffed, I moved to the suits. No Armani?13 To hell with the place!14
No wonder The Associated Press reported department stores are losing shoppers to discounters.15 I hardly ever visit department stores, or indoor shopping malls.16 And not just because I’m poor.17 Their usual wares don’t appeal to me, and I don’t fit neatly in a predictable marketing demographic. Why, a store that focused on the likes of me would be looking at millions – and even bigger losses the next year.18
Next, I went to Luby’s Cafeteria in the mall for the lunch buffet. I waited 20 minutes in line to discover the dullest, most flavorless food in town, far worse than other local Luby’s locations. I didn’t even go back for seconds. Instead, at home, I swallowed a cup of cayenne pepper just to make sure my taste buds still worked.
Later, I read a notice from Bank One that they gave my account "more muscle." That “muscle” isn't any help unless I can use it to "lean" on people and places:
Me: (Snaps fingers imperiously) Bank One! Get your ass over here.
Bank One: Yeah, boss?
Me: Nordstrom's just opened. Go over there and tell them they're paying tribute to me from now on.
Bank One: Sure thing, boss. (Later) All they had that you'd want are these silk dress shirts retailing for $85, so I collected the rest of the monthly tribute in cash.
Now that would be credit card service.
Neighborhood News
Speaking of shopping, the Travis County Commission approved a 50 percent tax break for The Domain at its Aug. 19 meeting.19 If it’s built, the Endeavor Real Estate Group’s project will join the nearby Texas Culinary Academy. Were it better known, this partner of Le Cordon Bleu would be the locus of hostile obsessions for health cranks, busybodies and nationalists: red meat, dairy products, rich sauces, refined sugar, alcohol, formal elegance, leisurely eating, and all of it from the French. Lèse-majesté!20
I say “if” because the plans for The Domain, and for the Shops at Arbor Walk, planned by Simon Property Group in collaboration with the University of Texas, are so conditional and contradictory.21 That's what you get for accommodating others, especially government flunkies, in your commercial plans. At an Aug. 6 neighborhood planning forum, with a 1:1 ratio of bureaucrats to productive citizens, UT, Simon and Endeavor representatives said all these plans anticipate light or commuter rail, which voters defeated in the 2000 election.22
Furthermore, the developments are planned as upscale, mixed-use urban villages, with apartments above ground-floor "high-end" retailers. In other words, developers believe there's a market for projects that resemble the very type of land use that zoning fascists arose to stop in the first place.23 Meanwhile, UT is thinking of turning the Pickle Research Center into a high-density campus, with student housing. Students aren't upscale, even when they're living off some trust fund. The developers would be better off turning their projects into strip malls with laundries, sports bars, tattoo parlors, and convenience stores that sell instant noodles and utility beverages.
Political Follies
The Wall Street Journal reported California gubernatorial candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger’s adviser Warren Buffett says California property taxes aren’t high enough. Buffett pointed out he pays $14,401 in taxes on a $500,000 house in Omaha, Neb., and $2,264 on a $4 million house in Laguna Beach, Calif.24 The lesson to be learned from this is that property taxes are too high in Omaha. How did someone so stupid get so rich?25 Didn’t he learn anything from his dad?26 With advice like Buffett’s, that running man’s going to terminate what’s left of Californian prosperity for the poor saps still living there.27 This is how real-world villains operate in America.28
Meanwhile, gadfly Ralph Nader got hit with a pie while speaking in support
of a fellow watermelon Marxoid who's also running for governor.29
Dad wondered “if it was staged or Ralph is on a low cholesterol diet and
it's the only way he could get a decent piece of pie?”30 Actually,
Nader immediately sued because the fruit filing contained artificial preservatives
and the crust wasn’t baked at the FDA-specified temperature of 420 degrees.31
It’s not easy being Green.32
Media Indigest
The Statesman delivered a copy of the Aug. 3 Sunday paper to my place by mistake. I was amazed at the number of feature stories that jumped multiple times inside the sections, contrary to all sensible newspaper design guidelines.33 What Mongoloid idiot supervised that edition?34
Meanwhile, The Washington Post reports that “The New York Times obituary on 100-year-old Bob Hope carried the byline of longtime critic Vincent Canby. Which caused a whole lot of head-scratching, since Canby died three years ago.”35
The New York Observer reports three transplanted Austinites have introduced staring contests, with admission fees, as the trendy new activity in the trendy Williamsburg neighborhood.36
The Wall Street Journal reports the housing industry is adding his-and-hers sections to high-end properties, such as the “gentlemen’s room.” Back in my childhood, this was known as “the den” and/or “the garage.” Women had the rest of the house (“I think this sofa would look so nice in the living room.”).37
Cultural Canapés
Back in spite of popular demand, here are some more recent hit movies with premises I could’ve produced for a lot less:38
Pirates of the Caribbean: "I just got a call from customs in Nassau. There's gonna be a raid tomorrow a.m." "All right, we got to shut down right now. Terrence, call Monroe and have him stash the DVD burners in Trinidad until this blows over."39
Lord of the Rings: "Let's see: 24 karet, emerald cut... I'll give you five for the works."
The Hulk: "There's gotta be somebody who'll take this off our hands. It's just rusting in the harbor."40
How to Lose 10 Guys a Day: "I don't care if it is 120 in the shade, keep your body armor on at all times." BANG!41
The Italian Job: "Wool crepe yet. Very nice."42
The A Team:43 Mid-1970s CIA analysts cope with director George Bush as he commissions neoconservatives to provide a dissenting study of Soviet military capabilities.44 Tie-in song: Bobby "Blue" Bland's "I Pity the Fool."45
The Matrix: "Hey, I found it! The missing master to that B-side from '58."46
The Matrix Reloaded: "And there's an alternate take. Cuscuna’ll make the ship date for the Christmas season."47
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