Change is the constant these days. I’ve got to change my doctor, my bank, my telecom provider,1
at least a half-dozen white dress shirts,2 and at least
one social network – but that’s another issue.3
Recently, I’ve had to consider changing my neighborhood, too.
In early July, the city's Neighborhood Planning and Zoning Department
sponsored charrettes for a 2,300-acre section of Austin that includes my
home.
“Charrette” is an architectural term for an on-the-spot design effort.
The term is originally French for “cart.”4 In this case,
they’re putting the cart before the horse. Any way you call it, the whole
thing lacks a certain je ne sais quoi.
These public workshops, facilitated partly by a friend on the local
salsa scene, were the latest stage of a 30-year plan. In early 2002, the
department mailed out questionnaires as the first step toward imposing its
"Neighborhood Plan” upon the residents and businesses of what it designates
the North Burnet/Gateway Neighborhood. This bureaucratically designated
“neighborhood” (in reality, four disparate and distinct neighborhoods) is
bounded by U.S. Highway 183 (Research), Braker Lane, MoPac Expressway, Walnut
Creek, and Metric Boulevard.5
The plan is to create a comprehensively planned, mixed-use district
out of what’s mostly light industrial.6 Moreover, both
the Capital Metro commuter rail line and potential future Austin-San Antonio
Intermunicipal Commuter Rail line run through this area.7
Much discussion at the July 2006 meetings I attended concerned where to
put the rail station.
With one notable exception – me – the worldviews ranged along the statist
spectrum. No wonder my rent has gone up. I’ve tried to mobilize the local
grassroots for four years, but there aren’t any.
At one meeting, I spoke briefly with this grubby, ponytailed graybeard
who turned out to be a city official, somebody Sullivan, who openly extolled
using the zoning ordinances, and the grantable exemptions thereof, to manipulate
redevelopment: "A quid pro quo for design standards," he said.8
Appearances aside, I think he and Richard J. Daley would have a lot to
talk about.9
Sadly, the organizers, including the government officials, have a better
understanding of market forces than most of the citizens who attended.
These people vociferously wanted more “out-of-the-box” planning for pedestrian-oriented
redevelopment. Some woman from the Capital Area Metropolitan Planning
Organization said the shortage of parking spaces in North Austin is “regulatory
driven, not market driven.”
Gary Bellamy, of Land Design Studio, emphasized the planners aren’t
using eminent domain to seize private owners’ properties, threaten existing
neighborhoods or displace people. That’s good. That approach is regularly
abused because planners hate piecemeal development, and the cities want
expanded tax revenues, which is easier to get from commercial retail.10
If centralized planning could be done, they’re the people who could
do it. But of course, centralized planning can’t be done effectively.11
Specifically, comprehensive urban planning is driven by fads, to where
planners have come full circle and started promoting what their predecessors
squelched decades ago: dense mixes of homes, businesses, and offices,
with a lot of street life. Now the planners call it New Urbanism and act
like nobody ever thought of it until they came along.12
How did people manage before the existence of college degrees in urban
planning? The real answer: a helluva lot better then than now.13
And as “Live and Let Live” host Gary Johnson pointed out, most of the
City’s involvement translates to a bunch of people writing each other checks.
These bureaucrats aren’t even really doing any planning, because most every
property in the area that can be developed already has been; the newest
developments are going ahead anyway. The bureaucrats are really just playing
catch up so they can act like they contributed more to the area than a lot
of headaches, such as the existing street layout.
Elsewhere in the Neighborhood…
Meanwhile, a former client has moved out of its office at Highway
183 (Anderson Lane) and Burnet Road to a larger facility off Kramer Lane.14
Nearby, ownership is changing hands for part of the Braker Center office
complex, at Braker Lane and Metric Boulevard.15
Albertson’s at Lamar Boulevard and Braker closed, after the chain was
drubbed in the Austin market by H-E-B and Wal-Mart.16
Half Price Books has opened a new store at the Parmer Crossing shopping
plaza. It replaces the store in Corporate Center off Highway 183 (Anderson
Lane).
Across the street, Papa Murphy’s Take ‘N’ Bake Pizza opened in The
Market at Parmer Lane. What the Irish have to do with pizza, and why a
name from the British Isles is supposed to inspire culinary confidence,
is a mystery to me. For that matter, why are so many pizza parlors stuck
with some Olde English name and décor?
On July 25, KAMX–FM reported an auto collision at MoPac and Braker
Lane. On Aug. 2, I witnessed the aftermath of a multi-car smash-up on
the northbound lane of MoPac, just south of the Parmer Lane intersection.
On Aug. 31, I witnessed the aftermath of a multi-car smash-up on Stonehollow
Drive near the access to ACC Northridge. On Sep. 1, an auto collision occurred
at the corner of Stonehollow and Gracy Farms Lane. It must officially be fall.
Austin Death Watch
The local ruling elite’s impingement on my quality of life extends
beyond my neighborhood. The City Council has voted to limit the size
of houses, and thus infringe on the rights of property owners.17
Also, such interference increases the cost of housing beyond its natural
level. The likelihood that I can afford to live within city limits diminishes
with each year.18
Meanwhile a nonprofit spent $8 million to convert a hotel in South
Austin into affordable housing.19 I’ve driven by that
place for years and it’s an isolated place. For all their hand-wringing
and pretensions to moral superiority, yuppie pinkos don’t want smelly, drug-addled,
unpredictable bums around them, either. This is their way of getting street
bums away from the rest of us, as opposed to the old-school methods of cracking
open their skulls or dousing them with gasoline to drive them out of town.20
Of course, since these same pinks put the screws to us on housing,
as described above, I could end up living in that motel, too.
On the other hand, the Council also voted to allow dogs at restaurants.21
In other words, you can’t smoke in a bar,22 but you’ve
got to share where you eat with dumb, panicky, toothy beasts that shed, drool
and roll around in their own feces given half a chance. Not even Molly Ivins is that obnoxious.
Some other recent lowlights:
Austin Police Chief Stan Knee got the boot, or elbow. Officially, he
resigned to teach police work in Afghanistan, but he’s really just going
there for some peace and quite.23 His interim replacement
is Cathy Ellison, the Condoleezza Rice of Austin law enforcement – a
nontraditional representative of a government institution and practice founded
upon dubious premises.24 Meanwhile, city officials plan
to cut police overtime by 25 percent to rein in ballooning expenses.25
I received a flyer from Verizon touting the free grand opening of something
called the South Park Meadows. The text gave me the impression this place
was a smaller-scale version of the Verizon Wireless Amphitheater in San
Antonio. But a letter to the Statesman pointed out that the South Park
Meadows used to be a music venue. Now it’s a shopping center.26
All joking aside, GM Steakhouse at 626 N. Lamar Blvd., depicted in
“Slacker,” has closed. Not even the Chronicle could manage more than a
sympathetic shrug to the demise of the once-popular greasy spoon. Maybe
the owner didn’t kiss the Chronicle’s ass enough. However, upon reflection,
I must concur with the Chronicle’s shrug. I breakfasted upon a big chicken-fried
steak with gravy and a side of hash browns there, probably soon after I’d
settled in town, and I remember being unimpressed. It’s one of several longtime
eateries in town that left me wondering if Austinites were too stoned
or hickish, or reliant on drug-contaminated memories, to realize these
places weren’t that good.27
The Chronicle speculated a bikers’ turf dispute is behind a gangland-style
slaying outside Saccone’s Pizza in March.28
The Rolling Stones, an occasionally tolerable limey rock band from
the ‘60s fronted by financier Sir Michael Jagger, is supposed to perform
at Zilker Park in October. This means either Austin has reached the big
time, or that the Stones aren’t as big as they used to be. Probably the
latter.29
Cultural Canapés
Speaking of lame limey acts, lawyers for the ex-porn starlet wife of
decaying aristocrat Sir Paul McCartney are extracting a huge chunk of
his ill-gotten fortune in increasingly nasty divorce proceedings. The
Boomer icon seems to have fallen for his own lyrics – “all you need
is love” – and didn’t prepare a pre-nuptial agreement.30
Robert De Niro donated his old stuff to the Harry Ransom Center
at UT.31 In the movie version, De Niro’s character would’ve
worked himself into a snit over the absence of storage space in his New
York tenement. Then either he or his shrewish wife, played by some Italian
broad, would get the idea to donate the stuff to the center for a big tax
write-off. Hilarity ensues as he travels to Austin, browbeating and yelling
at every slowpoke yokel who gets in his way.32
The New Jersey government shut down for lack of a budget. More importantly,
so did the Atlantic City casinos.33 Sounds like a good premise
for a “Sopranos” episode: “In a freak twist, Tony is named acting governor
when devastating scandals leave Trenton leaderless and unable to produce
a budget. Can a Mafiosi make it as capo di regime in the statehouse,
or should he have gone to law school first?”34
I glanced at the headlines and the news hit me like a kick to the gut.
I knew then Mickey Spillane was dead as hell. The press pounded
out the pulpiest prose in praise of a damned good yarn spinner. There
was nothing left to do except hoist a cold one. Here’s to you, pal.35
The “Miami Vice” movie was worth seeing just to learn I’m a better
salsa dancer than two of the main actors. Meanwhile, a dance major and a
dance instructor have each told me I was good dancer, and another partner
asked if I were Puerto Rican because of my ability on the floor.36
For Dad’s birthday, I’d decided on a gift of marzipan. The hard part
was finding it, even on the Internet. I couldn’t even recall having tried
any before. By chance, I was walking by the candy counter at Whole Foods
downtown, while another customer was ordering some. I looked again and
realized I was directly facing a big display of the pastry, molded to resemble
fruit.
Of course, I couldn’t risk sending Dad something like that without
sampling it first. In this case, two pieces, each about the size of my
thumb, for $2, or $13/pound. As I slowly nibbled on the marzipan, a familiar
taste triggered memories of Christmases past. I had eaten it before,
but nobody called it by its name. Still, for the price, I ought to have
heard an angelic choir, or, as with Proust’s madeleine, at least been
inspired to write a massive novel. That must’ve been some cookie. Then again,
I’m not a neurasthenic, name-dropping, social-climbing, homosexual French
Jew from the Belle Époque. For which, I think, all and sundry are
grateful.37
On the Town
July 13: Pinetop Perkins, James Cotton and Hubert Sumlin
played at Antone’s, as part of its 31st anniversary party.38
While there, I encountered Badnarik campaign staffer Jon Airheart.39
July 22: I guested on “Live and Let Live” to discuss the city’s
neighborhood plan. Then I went to The Copa. I was stumbling around half
blind because I didn’t insert my new contacts just so. The women I danced
with had expressions of “Oh, he’s interested in me.” At least, that’s how
they looked when I could focus my vision, in between trying to remember
the name of the woman I was dancing with, and the proper frame and footwork
during the dance.
Interestingly, neither my new contacts nor my new glasses have prompted
comments from people, i.e., “Hey, you’re wearing contacts.”
Aug. 27: As a post-Hurricane Katrina benefit, Jazz kitchen
hosted a New Orleans Sunday brunch buffet. It was dry and bland – attributes
not normally associated with that city’s cuisine.40 Likewise,
the live music was dry and bland, a hackneyed Disneyfied Dixieland heavy
on the cut-time banjos.41 It was enough to give jazz itself
a bad name. 42
You’d think a city with a reputation as funky as Austin’s, paying tribute
to another funky city, could do better than some Rotarian luncheon from
Duluth.43 As Chronicle TV critic Belinda Acosta wrote
in a different context, the theme to “Keep Austin Weird” is “white affluence
masked with funkiness; a surface wildness ruled by conventional values;
and the most annoying trait of all: plucking cultural symbols, language,
or icons from ‘the other’ to accessorize.” 44
Sep. 2: I walked into Central Market and salsa music was on
the sound system. I locked eyes with the nearest attractive woman in the
produce aisles. The dancing went pretty well, until the staff grabbed
me by the scruff of the neck and threw me out of the store.
“You’ll never eat chèvre in this town again,” a clerk said,
dramatically wiping his hands against each other. “And you were supposed
to make that turn on the fifth beat.” Everybody’s a critic.
Sep. 9: The Chronicle celebrated its 25th anniversary with a
free gallery show of its photos at the Austin Museum of Art. Natch, I went
for the free food and a chance to see the inside of this place for the first
time. I ignored the photos – published as a supplement in the Sep. 8 issue
and sped through the paintings while looking for the restroom. Glad I didn't
have to pay to see the museum’s collection. The food was OK, though. Then
I danced at The Copa for about two-and-a-half hours with a succession
of luscious exotic women from around the world.45
Media Indigest
The Statesman’s June 29 entertainment supplement contains a feature
on regional beauty pageants, but the contest winner on the cover has eye
bags and a double chin.
Esquire offers advice on how to create a dimple below the knot of a
necktie. Amazingly, I’ve never seen advice on that in a men’s magazine before.
Dad taught me that years ago, but I thought it belonged to that repository
of forgotten knowledge.46
Family Matters
Finally, I welcome the birth of my newest nephew, Nicholas:
1 AD No. 60 (Dec. 20, 2003); King, Michael. “Hanging Up on
AT&T.” AC 2 June 2006: 15-16. 2 Rainey, Candice. “Stuck on Repeat.” GQ May 2006: 56. 3 Eisler, Dan. “You Can’t Beat Something With Nothing.” E-mail
to TCLPActive, 4 Sep. 2006. 4 Lennertz, Bill, and Aarin Lutzenhiser. The Charrette Handbook:
The Essential Guide for Accelerated, Collaborative Community Planning.
Ed. Breesa Culver. Chicago: American Planning Association, 2006. 5 AD No. 37n6 (Apr. 25, 2002). 6 Ezell, Kyle. Get Urban!: The Complete Guide to City Living.
Sterling, Va.: Capital Books, 2004: 21. 7 Pierce, Darla. “Cap Metro Open House Series Starts Downtown.”
DP 13 July 2006: 1+. 8 Eisler. “The Charrette.” E-mail to TCLPActive, 6 July 2006.
9 Rakove, Milton L. Don’t Make No Waves – Don’t Back No Losers:
An Insider’s Analysis of the Daley Machine. Bloomington, Ind.: Indiana
UP, 1975; Royko, Mike. Boss: Richard J. Daley of Chicago. New York
City: E.P. Dutton & Co., 1971. 10 Greenhut, Steven. Abuse of Power: How the Government Misuses
Eminent Domain. Santa Ana, Calif.: Seven Locks Press, 2004: 130, 149. 11 Hayek, Friedrich A. The Fatal Conceit: The Errors of Socialism.
Ed. W.W. Bartley III. Chicago: U of Chicago P, 1988; Mises, Ludwig von. Socialism:
An Economic and Sociological Analysis, 5th rev. ed. Trans. J. Kahane.
Indianapolis: LibertyClassics, 1981. 12 Greenhut, op. cit., 111-113. 13 The Voluntary City: Choice, Community, and Civil Society.
Ed. David T. Beito, Peter Gordon, and Alexander Tabarrok. Ann Arbor, Mich.:
U of Michigan P/The Independent Institute, 2002: 20-22, 33-37, 40-41, 47-48,
76, 102-103, 116-118, 320-328, 354-356, 407-408, 423. 14 AD No. 83 (Sep. 7, 2005); Selden, Jonathan. “Movero Making
the Call to Grow.” ABJ 30 June 2006: 1. 15 Mistretta, A.J. “Part of North Austin Complex Sold.” ABJ 11
Sep. 2006: 1+. 16 Mistretta. “Variety of Retailers Taking a Look at Albertson’s
Properties.” ABJ 7 July 2006: 5. 17 Abolmaali, Behnaz. “City Council Votes to Limit Size of New
‘McMansions.’ ” DT 23 June 2006: 6A. 18 Heimsath, Ben. “McMansion Overkill.” TGL June 2006: 29-30;
May, Rachel Proctor. “Looking for Cheap Dirt.” AC 12 May 2006: 38+. 19 Alexander, Kate. “Making Room for Homeless Austinites.” AAS
2 Sep. 2006: D1+; Robertson, Jenny. “Nonprofit Spends $8M to Convert Hotel
Into Affordable Housing.” ABJ 18 Aug. 2006: 8. 20 Paul, Keith. “Homeless Man Set on Fire Near UT.” AAS 19 Sep.
1999: B1. 21 Price, Asher. “Patrons Pushing for Paws on Patio.” AAS 11
Feb. 2006: B1. 22 AD No. 79n8 (May 22, 2005). 23 Smith, Jordan. “APD‘s Stan Knee Goes East – Way East.” AC
26 May 2006: 22. 24 AD No. 80n22 (June 21, 2005); Davies, Stephen. “The Private
Provision of Police During the Eighteenth and Nineteenth Centuries.” Voluntary
City, op. cit., 171-172; Evans, Akwasi. “Police Use More Force on Blacks,
Less on Others.” Nokoa 21 Sep. 2006: 1; Garrett, Jon. “Coronation?”
The Fugitive Post 16 June 2006: 1+; “Second Investigation of Chief
Was Excessive.” AAS 29 July 2006: A16; Smith. “Schroeder v. APD.” AC 2 June
2006: 19. 25 Plohetski, Tony. “Plan Cuts Austin Police Overtime 25%.” AAS
29 July 2006: A1+. 26 McCowan, Erik. “Paving Austin’s Culture.” Letter. AAS 29 July
2006: A16. 27 Savov, Marc. “Slacker, the Map.” AC 26 Jan. 2001: 74-75; Wood,
Virginia B. “Food-O-File.” AC 30 Dec. 2005: 40. 28 Smith. “The Hells Angels Hit.” AC 19 May 2006: 32+. 29 Sandford, Christopher. Mick Jagger: Rebel Knight. London:
Omnibus Press, 2003: 136-137, 358, and passim.; “That’s What I Say.” AAS
5 Aug. 2006: A26. 30 Beckerman, Marty. Generation S.L.U.T. (Sexually Liberated
Urban Teens): A Brutal Feel-Up Session With Today’s Sex-Crazed Adolescent
Populace. New York City: Pocket Books/MTV Books, 2004: 6; “Dear Paul
McCartney.” GQ Aug. 2006: 186. 31 Garcia, Chris. “De Niro is Godfather of Ransom Film Trove.”
AAS 7 June 2006, final ed.: A1+; Greenwood, Mary Beth. “Reelin in the Years.”
Austin Wide Open Summer 2006: 8-11. 32 Dougan, Andy. Untouchable: A Biography of Robert De Niro.
New York City: Thunder’s Mouth Press, 1996. 33 Timiraos, Nick, and Peter Sanders. “Atlantic City Casinos
Shut Down Due to New Jersey Budget Impasse.” WSJ, Eastern ed.: 6 July 2006:
D6. 34 Carson, Tom. “When the Shark Bites.” GQ Mar. 2006: 205-206+;
Stanton, Mike. The Prince of Providence: The True Story of Buddy Cianci,
America's Most Notorious Mayor, Some Wiseguys, and the Feds. New York
City: Random House, 2003: 156. 35 Collins, Max Allan, and James L. Taylor. One Lonely Knight:
Mickey Spillane's Mike Hammer. Bowling Green, Ohio: Bowling Green State
University Popular Press, 1984; Martelle, Scott. “Good and Evil by the Book.”
Albany (N.Y.) Times Union 30 July 2006: I4. 36 Miami Vice. Universal Pictures/Forward Pass/Michael
Mann Productions/Motion Picture ETA Produktionsgesellschaft & Co., 2006. 37 Levin, Edmund. “The Way the Cookie Crumbles: How Much Did
Proust Know About Madeleines?” Best of Slate: A 10th Anniversary Anthology.
Ed. David Plotz. New York City: Atlas Books, 2006: 255-260. 38 Gross, Joe. “Recommended: Tonight.” XL 13 Jul. 2006: 19. 39 Airheart, Jon. “Remember the 7th of November!” Contumacy
Oct. 2006: 10. 40 Mead, Walter Russell. “Dancing the Bamboula in Old New Orleans.”
GQ Feb. 1993: 164. 41 “Hurricane Katrina: Anniversary Events & Evacuee Resources.”
AC 25 Aug. 2006: 74. 42 Berendt, Joachim E., and Gunther Huesmann. The Jazz Book
: From Ragtime to Fusion and Beyond, rev. 6th ed. Trans. H. Bredigkeit
et. al. New York City: Lawrence Hill Books, 1992 43 Vidal, Gore. Duluth. New York City: Random House, 1983.
44 Acosta, Belinda. “Austin Cheek.” AC 20 Jan. 2006: 53. 45 “Visual Arts.” AC 8 Sep. 2006: 76. 46 “The Rules of Wearing Shirts.” Esquire July 2006: 58.
