A Few Minutes With Austin Dispatches

Despite the many years mankind's observed Christmas, 2023 A.D. marked the notable emergence of some new holiday-associated phenomena.

First, the profusion of electronic Christmas cards, most from corporate entities that have never done anything for me. The likelier an organization has never done anything for me, the likelier it was to transmit a card. If the organization is an employment agency, it's never submitted me for a job, let alone represented me. If the organization is a financial firm, we've never done business. In fairness, none of these organizations have done anything to me, either.

I'd like to think it represented guilt on their part. However, the senders included Miami-Dade College, which somehow evaded spam filters with a Christmas card. In fact, the college has e-mailed me constantly since I opened my first e-mail account in 1996, even though I've had no dealings with it, never sent it money, never replied to its missives, and never visited the campus. Furthermore, without cursory research, I can't tell you if the college is known for anything besides spam. My alma mater wasn't this pushy, especially after I backhanded it a few years ago.

Then, after I cleaned out my in boxes in a spate of pre-Yuletide tidying, I noticed many of the YouTube channels whose hosts react to movies had posted videos of cinema selections antithetical to the holiday spirit. Generally, I can recommend many of those selections, but so close to the most wonderful time of the year, even I might hesitate at programming action and crime flicks, chockablock with violence and attitude. Even the posted comedies are suffused with mean-spirited humor.

On Boxing Day, a friend and longtime reader and I dined at Valencia's Tex-Mex Garage. Afterward, I gave a idiosyncratic tour of the much-mentioned Domain.

Also, we at Austin Dispatches congratulate that reader on his Sep. 30 wedding. I originally planned to attend, but there's no quick, cheap, convenient way of traveling from here to Dubuque, Iowa. After two days by bus, I'd be frazzled, scungy, and gauche:

"Speak now or forever hold your piece," says the priest.

"Yeah, I got a few objections!"

"Sir? Sir? Do you have any objections about the marriage?"

"Oh. Right."

Business Roundup

Speaking of backhands, the January AAA Explorer perkily declares the annoying electronic features in vehicles' dashboards -- the awkwardly placed radio and air conditioning screen display and the flashing, nagging safety features -- "aren't going away, they're a prelude to fully autonomous vehicles -- automakers' holy grail." I can only assume AAA is on the take to go against the wishes of motorists, including its dues-paying members.

I already had to drub those dipshits a couple of years ago about membership renewal:

Gentlemen:

I've enclosed, with great reluctance, a check for my AAA membership renewal. Reluctance, because if you'd billed me in timely fashion, you wouldn't have had to send a reminder bill, and you wouldn't be reading this Andy Rooneyesque missive right now.

You somehow managed to send a bill with a membership card on time all these years. What's your problem? Don't give the excuse of pandemic-related difficulties. Many other organizations billed by mail, even for smaller sums than my membership fee. If it's a problem with mail delivery, then I urge you to chastise the U.S. Postal Service. As a major organization, you might wield enough clout to compel a government bureaucracy to do its routine job.

You really must endeavor to bill me in timely fashion in the future, or I will hold AAA responsible for ending a 35-year relationship.

Fortunately, my computer upgrade this week presented far fewer difficulties. After much fussing, I downloaded and installed Windows 11, which nevertheless kept intact my files, freeware application downloads, and bookmarks. Then I installed a driver upgrade for my printer. Including the precautionary steps I used with my last two computer purchases, the entire effort took about eight hours. Total cost: $0. All that's left is to peruse the available tomes on Windows 11, considerably fewer in number than for previous versions. Does this mean Microsoft engineers have finally learned not to make needless changes?

Pinko Paper Imperiled!

Even stodgy Eastern newspapers have reported on the cessation of Eugene (Ore.) Weekly's print edition, because an employee embezzled from it, because the other pixel-addled wretches at the paper weren't as journalistically suspicious as they need to be. Then again, the weekly's editorial stance shows their credulousness.

Bevo and Butt-Heads

Police arrested an Austin school district substitute teacher for sexually assaulting three children.

Neighborhood News

On Dec. 22, customers behind me in the H-E-B check-out line spoke guttural Slavic. I suspected them of being Russian spies, because they didn't get in the way of others by dawdling in the aisles, checking their cell phones. Clearly, a couple of subversive foreigners.